Betrayal

By: Andreea-Maria Chiriță 

Friends betray friends. Siblings betray siblings. Lovers betray lovers. 

Betrayal can occur in all relationships. The intensity of the relationship determines the intensity of the emotional stress caused by the betrayal. The more intense the relationship, the more intense the betrayal is. For example, a salesperson who lies to you about the qualities of a product you are buying is an act of betrayal. The effects of this betrayal are slight because you and the salesperson only shared a brief relationship. Conversely, if a romantic partner cheats on you, the effects of that betrayal can present significant interpersonal trauma. The consequences of betrayal can range from disappointment in less intense relationships to post-traumatic stress in more intense relationships. 

Trust is the key component of all relationships 

Without trust, betrayal cannot occur. The only people who can betray you are people you trust. The emotional impact of betrayal increases with the level of trust you have in the person who betrayed you. 

The emotional impact of betrayal can range from disappointment in less intense relationships and repulsion due to the lack of integrity of the person who betrayed you to fear of losing a close relationship, especially a romantic connection. Trust is fragile. Regaining trust is difficult, if not impossible. 

When people are betrayed, they often consciously or unconsciously seek revenge. The betrayed person’s world suddenly destabilized, often causing grief, a sense of loss, and depression. Revenge is a form of “justice” or “fairness” that can restore a collapsing world. Revenge destroys not only the target of the revenge but also the person seeking revenge. Revenge hijacks emotional energy that could otherwise be spent recovering from the aftermath of betrayal and seeking new, more stable relationships. 

Symptoms of Betrayal Trauma 

Betrayal trauma can have a severe impact on the person and cause them to experience symptoms or health conditions such as: 

● PTSD 

● Depression 

● Anxiety 

● Dissociation 

● Difficulty concentrating 

● Emotional dysregulation 

● Trust and relationship issues 

● Physical pain and gastrointestinal issues 

● Substance abuse 

● Eating disorders

Another consequence of betrayal is the fear of being emotionally hurt again 

To avoid being emotionally hurt again, the betrayed person will often build an emotional wall to prevent people from getting too close. People hiding behind emotional walls often sabotage relationships that become too intense to avoid the possibility of future betrayal. People entrenched behind emotional walls often experience loneliness and isolation. The pain of loneliness and isolation is less intense than the pain of betrayal. 

The pain of loneliness and betrayal often mutates into victimhood, which provides a sense of emotional comfort. The problem with cowering behind an emotional wall is that the entrenched person often experiences a conundrum. They desire a close personal relationship with other humans but are reluctant to foster new relationships because they are afraid of experiencing the possibility of another emotional disaster. 

Emotional walls provide safety but prevent the person from experiencing the true happiness that comes from close relationships with other humans. Intrinsic to human relationships is the possibility of betrayal. This cannot be avoided. Shunning close personal relationships is not the answer. 

Coping with betrayal trauma 

If you have experienced betrayal trauma, Dr. Romanoff suggests some steps that can help you cope: 

Acknowledge the betrayal: The first step is acknowledging how you were betrayed and hurt. Be honest with yourself and consider the impact of the betrayal on the relationship and your life. Write your feelings in a journal: You may find relief through writing down your feelings in a journal. It can help you identify the emotions you’re experiencing and create space to reflect on them, instead of suppressing or avoiding them. 

Process your emotions: Confronting the trauma you experienced in the past can bring up a lot of emotions, including grief, fear, anger, regret, loss, and anxiety. It’s important to process these emotions so you can start healing. 

Seek support or treatment: It is also helpful to seek support by talking with a friend or therapist. People who have experienced betrayal trauma often feel like they can only rely on themselves and tend to isolate themselves when they are betrayed. Instead, it is important to do the opposite and reach out for support or treatment. 

Set boundaries: If the person who betrayed you is still in your life in some capacity, set firm boundaries in your relationship with them to protect your physical, emotional, and mental well-being. Recognize patterns: If you have experienced betrayal trauma in the past, it’s important to recognize whether it’s affecting your relationships in the present. Understand that you deserve to have relationships that are mutually supportive and beneficial. 

The pain of betrayal cannot be avoided. However, knowing the emotional consequences of betrayal before it occurs often mitigates the pain of betrayal. Accepting the fact that betrayals are a normal part of life reduces their emotional intensity. 

If there is an upside to betrayal, it is this: True happiness has no meaning without experiencing true sadness. 

References: 

Jack Schafer Ph.D. (29 November 2021), "Betrayal and Human Relationships.

Betrayal is a part of life and can improve future relationships". Retrieved 5 February 2025, from https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/let-their-words-do-the-talking/202111/betrayal-and-human -relationships?utm_source=chatgpt.com 

Sanjana Gupta (November 20, 2023), "Betrayal Trauma—The Impact of Being Betrayed". Retrieved 5 February 2025 from: https://www.verywellmind.com/betrayal-trauma-causes-symptoms-impact-and-coping-5270361?utm_ source=chatgpt.com#toc-impact-and-symptoms-of-betrayal-trauma 

Goldsmith RE, Freyd JJ, DePrince AP. (2012), "Betrayal trauma: associations with psychological and physical symptoms in young adults." J Interpers Violence; 27(3):547-567. doi:10.1177/0886260511421672. Retrieved 5 February 2025. 

Kline NK, Palm Reed KM (2021), "Betrayal vs. nonbetrayal trauma: Examining the dif erent ef ects of social support and emotion regulation on PTSD symptom severity" Psychol Trauma; 13(7):802-809. doi:10.1037/tra0000983. Retrieved 5 February 2025. 

Jacoby VM, Krackow E, Scotti JR (2017), "Betrayal trauma in youth and negative communication during a stressful task" Int J Aging Hum Dev; 84(3):247-275. doi:10.1177/0091415016669724. Retrieved 5 February 2025. 

Klest B, Tamaian A, Boughner E. (2019), "A model exploring the relationship between betrayal trauma and health: the roles of mental health, attachment, trust in healthcare systems, and nonadherence to treatment" Psychol Trauma; 11(6):656-662. doi:10.1037/tra0000453. Retrieved 5 February 2025.