By: Bhaveeshika Charun
Abstract
While we might communicate with one another directly through both verbal and body language cues, it’s the emotion that acts as a language we use to relate truly to one another. It's emotions that underpin how social exchanges are interpreted. Ultimately, we engage through the use of our emotional vocabulary.
By doing this, we fulfill one another’s emotional requirements and empathize with those needs if we cannot support them in that moment. This is the nature of making ourselves emotionally available in connection.
However, we only gain these skills through examples given to us by our parents/guardians. We need constructive role models to provide the reference points to engage with others in true empathy.
Therefore, being raised by emotionally unavailable parents eventually leads to core
wounding that manifests as an inability to be emotionally present with others. It leads not only to being unable to discern your own needs but also creates this shortness in the capacity to empathize with others.
Symptoms of Being Raised By An Emotionally Unavailable Parent
Being raised by emotionally unavailable parents can lead to a life of unstable friendships, a string of failed relationships, emotional neediness, the inability to self-regulate, failure to provide for yourself, and identity confusion. This can also lead to difficulty in expressing your needs and feelings. When there’s been a neglect of emotional needs in early childhood, it’s known as developmental trauma, which can lead to long-term effects if not properly addressed.
Symptoms include:
● Rigidity
● Low-stress tolerance
● Emotional instability with aggression
● Poor Boundaries
● Unstable relationships
● Attention-seeking
● Neediness
Long-Term Effects of Being Raised By An Emotionally Unavailable Parent
When there has been a lack of care through parents not being emotionally available, it can create dysfunctional patterns of thinking that can result in mental health issues and an inability to relate to others later on in adulthood.
Some of these include, but aren’t limited to:
● Dysfunctional relationships in adulthood
● Fear of abandonment in love
● Borderline personality and narcissistic traits
● Selfishness
● Substance abuse and dependency
● Lack of identity and direction
● Loss of hope, faith, and joy
● Inability to state emotional needs
● Tendency to enter abusive or unstable relationships
● People pleasing
● Promiscuity
● Self-esteem issues
● Jealousy and possessiveness
Signs of Emotionally Unavailable Parents
● They don’t listen to you
● They don’t ask about your life
● They don’t validate/celebrate your achievements
● They aren’t willing to engage in activities with you
● They never give compliments
● They never spend alone/one-on-one time with you
● They focus on their happiness more than yours
● They don’t/can’t express that they love you
● They can’t show you any affection
● Inconsistency in emotional response
● Lack of emotional response
● Dismissive or critical behaviour
● Absence of physical affection
● Neglect of emotional needs
● Overemphasis on independence
● Enmeshment and emotional role reversed
● Perfectionism and criticism
● Difficulty expressing love
● Disinterest in a child’s life
How do you deal with emotionally unavailable parents?
Firstly, you have to understand the situation that you’re a victim of circumstance, and the treatment you have been receiving from your parents is not your fault. It is crucial to detach from feeling ashamed of being unlovable or unwanted. From there, you should view the situation objectively without the charge of your emotions getting in the way of why you were treated - and are still treated - the way you are.
The next step is pattern recognition. This requires the knowledge of your parent’s
communication style and capacity. Once you can anchor their lack of presence due to their trauma, it becomes easier to navigate the relationship and find a sense of closure. While it is not something you can do in childhood, it becomes much easier to understand your parent’s situation as part of constructive healing later in adulthood. It’s not your fault for seeing this in childhood.
The key to dealing with and healing from an upbringing from emotionally distant parents is to be present with what’s being shared. And this can mean going through a grieving process, as you realize your parent(s) are never going to have the capacity to guide and mentor you in the way you require. But what’s worse than this is living under the expectation that you can change them. Unfortunately, you can’t, and shouldn’t want to change other people, but you can change your perception of them by understanding their story and how it informs their actions. And that’s the essence of the healing process.
References
1. Dr Becky Spellman. (June 30, 2022) “The Effects of Being Raised by EMotionally
Unavailable Parents” The Private Therapy Clinic
2. Dr Elena Touroni. (June 27, 2024) “Having emotionally unavailable parents and how
it can impact your adult life” The Chelsea Psychology Clinic
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3. Sunshine City Counselling Team. (Jan 16, 2024) “Navigating the Impact of an
Emotionally Distant Mother” Sunshine City Counselling
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